Predictions for 2013 /// What Might Gonna Happen in Yoga and Spirituality This Year?

Well, well, well. Look who’s back…. YOU ARE! Fantastic. Love it. Glad to see you. Did you miss us? We missed you. Did you think we weren’t coming back? Didn’t care? WTF???

Hey, we take this site seriously. But, we take taking breaks from the site, like, very seriously. Nevertheless, the show must go on! May we offer you this toast as we welcome you to your home away from home.

Medieval Times, sucka!

Medieval Times, sucka!

Let’s just jump right in, shall we?

Many people don’t know that some of us here are virtual prediction masters. Obviously, we can’t always be correct, but usually we come pretty close. To start off this new apocalyptic year right, we decided to present you with a few of our predictions for this coming transitional period.

To the prediction booth!

YOGILEBRITIES

Instructor_HArticle

Sri Bikramji

Elena Brower
Elena seemed to be wearing her motivational speaker mic a lot more last year. Anyone notice that? This sorta yoga-as-empowerment entitlement thing. Our guess is that Brower will continue to go in this direction, only we predict she will actually move farther away from linking the new narrative to yoga asana *practice* and prepare for the leap into total self help guru. As a bonus prediction, we think “tell the truth” (or something along those lines) will get trademarked. Probably wrong on this one, but you get the idea.

John Friend
In 2013, as in 2012, Mr. Friend will find it increasing hard to get any traction on anything even remotely associated with his own name. Since we’ve never seen an Empire come around twice, we’re not so positive on John’s return to fame.

Sadie Nardini
2013 will be the year Sadie Nardini realizes that The Babarazzi is the hottest thing out there, and that Aghori Babarazzi is probably the sexiest personae in the biz, and will ask for his hand in sacred matrimony. The two will buy a beautiful cabin upstate, kick all other lazy ass Babarazzinis out of the game, and edit the website openly and with much fervor.

Kelly Morris
Kelly will purchase an increasing number of shamanic curios, not from their country of origin, but from street vendors on St. Marks Place in NYC. We also predict that if you question her on this, she will throw an insane circa-high school hissy fit, but call it a “dharma talk.”

Shiva Rea
Well, Shiva has a book supposedly coming out this year, so that’s a freebee on that one. But, we also predict this book will go unread by most everyone who does yoga. There are just sooo many yoga books out there!

David Life & Sharon Gannon
This year will be the year David and Sharon finally, and literally, merge their bodies into one another. They will also somehow rupture the space time continuum by becoming even more vegan. Did you know they were vegan? They are.

Kino MacGregor
Ashtanga Yoga’s youngest, most tiny-shorts-wearing, and most widely visible emissary will continue to upload a seemingly endless array of free yoga YouTube vids. A resource for all, these videos will become even more useful for the general practitioner, as well as the general masturbator.

Seane Corn
Winter can be tough for all those #Occupy kids sleeping out in tents asking for change so they can feed their anarchist dog and buy forties. We predict Seane Corn will also wait for the warming months to come out and yell at a bunch of people who, for the most part, are indirectly protesting her very own yoga celebrity status. She might even wear all black as she misinterprets their clapping.

Tara Stiles
Seeing as it doesn’t look like the hyper-commercialization of athletics is going anywhere, and seeing as Ms. Stiles is kinda yoked (which, you know, is, like, what the word “yoga” means) to this trend, we have incredibly positive feelings about her 2013 fiscal year. Mergers, acquisitions, X/Y coordinates will align forming a branded logo fit for Kings.

Dana Flynn
NYC’s Dana Flynn will invent another “signature pose.” Nothing else to note here.

$$$

SPIRITUAL PHILOSOPHY

shankara2

Shankara

Advaita Vedanta
White males practically shat themselves with utter joy the day Nisargadatta’s I Am That was published. Finally. A full proof way to destroy all those who dare debate spirituality from a dualist perspective. We predict that many more white males will continue to shat themselves. We also predict a lot of girlfriends will find themselves on the wrong end of many an argument over the validity of female deity worship. Sorry, ladies.

Patanjali
It is our belief that Patanjali’s Yoga Sutras will continue to be the most oft quoted yoga text of the century. We also believe that the Yoga Sutras will continue to be the most unfinished book on yoga people’s shelves. Come on, people. Cut out the commentary and the book is, like, a hundred pages long. If that.

Vaishnavism
After all the murders and abuse and intimidation and scandal and sexual promiscuity and lawsuits and rumors of poisoning and overall insanity that was the 1960s–70s Hare Krishna movement, devotees of Prabhupad needed a little PR reboot. Vaisnavism, luckily being the philosophical basis for Vishnu/Krishna worship, has been a nice name to rest on. We think taking on the Vaishnava tag is good thing, and predict many many many young people from every corner of the globe will think the same this year as in previous ones.

Shaivism
Shaivism is what people who like tantra, but also like non-dualism get into. In the West it’s mostly lost it’s dreadloccks, and for that we are sad. We blame this on Shaivite translator Daniel Odier and his hairless head. We are employing our “think positive” approach on this one, and predicting the in 2013 Shaivites will once again grow long matted dreadlocks.

Taoism
Spiritual people frickin’ LOVE taoism. And, why not. Any text that begins with “The Way that can be named is not the Way,” is bound to get practicing mystics aroused. Problem is, no one has any idea what to do with taoism! Where do you go to study it? Who do you study it with? Walking through China Town might get you somewhere, but more often then not it’ll end with a foot rub and a happy ending. We predict that 2013 will be the year taoism remained elusive. Well done! You’re part of a very elite group.

New Thought
New Thought started out kinda dope, but ended up like everything else. All about the Benjamins. Since we ain’t economic forecasters, we’re having a hard time predicting this one. Our best advice? Bet on the white guy.

$$$

RELIGION

hajj001vf3

Muslims on Hajj in Mecca

Hinduism
2013 will be the year Westerners officially reduce the world’s third largest religion to a slogan on a motivation graphic passed around Facebook. Though it will still get roughly twenty two million likes, it just won’t be the same as the old version of the religion. You know, the one that wasn’t even called “Indus Valley-ism,” and was just a bunch of people doing their thing.

Christianity
On any NYC subway, Christianity is often defined as being the religion of that crazy lady who keeps yelling about how we are all sinners. (I mean, it’s 5:30 in the morning, sister! This ain’t working). Anyway, what with the advent of the interwebs and all those young people on their thingamabobs with the whatchamacallits in their ears, we predict Christian yoga will get a sweet and very sensible youthful sheen.

Judaism
How many Jews practice yoga? Anyone know? We don’t. But, we do know that so long as there’s one, some idiot out there is gonna think they control the whole scene. Which, in a way, is kinda flattering. I mean, any religion that holds the place of being half as large as Sikhism, and is still considered the secret force behind it all, has got to be doing something right! We predict Jews will continue to probably-not control the yoga scene, but will no doubt change it somehow.

Islam
You gotta feel bad for Islam. They’re always the third wheel when it comes to the Judeo-Christian traditions. Rarely allowed at the party. Perhaps it’s because it’s so damn hard to tell where Islamic scholars have landed on the whole “Is yoga permissible in Islam” debate. Without a centralized power structure in the religion, pretty much anyone and his son, and his son, and his son, and his son can throw out a fatwa on the case. We predict that everyday Muslims will, like everyone else, ignore what the jurists say and do yoga anyway. It’s wedding season, and time to slim down!

Sikhism
For the most part Sikhs don’t do yoga. Oh, wait.  [insert smiley emoticon]

Atheism [insert another smiley emoticon]
We predict that otherwise smart people who happen to be atheists will continue to shelve all that non-linear openness (aka “freethought” [sic]) in order to tow the line of some of the most uninspired religious critique and philosophical inquiry known to humanity. In 2013, we foresee another year in which atheists continue to act like your super smart engineer father who can’t seem to turn off Fox News. Ever.

$$$

DEITIES, GODHEADS, and PROPHETS

Green Man

Green Man

Kali
Kali’s position on top of the empowered female yogini altar will continue to hold, as what better deity can help you justify calling your server at your local raw foods money pit an “asshole imperialist” just ’cause he put ice in your water on the same day you lost your internet connection while watching HBO’s Girls?

Ganesh
This year, thousands of yoga practitioners will invoke Ganesh as the “remover of obstacles.” They will leave it at that, ’cause who the hell knows what other things Ganesh is good for?!

Jesus
If you’re into yoga and into spirituality, you’ve probably got a funny relationship to Jesus. You like him, ’cause, really, what’s not to like. But, you don’t like him too much, ’cause that’d just be weird. We’re going against the tide on this one and predicting/hoping for a very de-Christianized Jesus loving filled with Adamite nudist revelry and Digger communalist anti-authoritarianism. Hoorah!

God
God gets the shit kicked out of shim on a daily basis. But, since God is the one doing the shit kicking, it’s kinda hir own fault. We predict that in 2013 God will be and be shit kicked kicking.

$$$

YOGA BLOGS & PUBLICATIONS

NYC

Weiner

Elephant Journal
Elephant Journal has for some time now been the beacon of all that is contemporary, commercial, and casual in the yoga world. Rubbing the crystal ball of our own domes has convinced us that, yes, in 2013 EJ will continue to reign supreme as the greatest representative of contemporary yoga culture on the web. Take that for what it’s worth.

Yoga Journal
In short, Yoga Journal will feature a differently-abled yoga practitioner on its cover. Possibly in a wheel chair.

Yoga Blogs
Sorry to say, but yoga blogs have got their work cut out for them this year. It’s becoming more and more apparent that free give-aways and quaint little blips about Obama’s dog doing yoga ain’t where it’s at. Then again, blogs that go this route appear to have enormous followings and lots of juicy advertisers knocking down their doors. Shit. We’re screwed! Keep doing what you’re doing, yoga blogs. We’ll eventually follow suit. Although, we predict this won’t happen in 2013.

$$$

POLITRICKS

Speaking of...

Speaking of…

Liberalism
On paper yoga liberals sound like the best thing since foie gras. However, once you get them talking, it starts sounding like a lot of Seane Corn-lite, which in case you didn’t know, is pretty goddam lite! Nevertheless, we predict liberal yoga practitioners will continue to dominate the scene and the discourse. Bummer.

Conservativism
Conservatives don’t do yoga. They do Cross Fit and have recently adopted the Paleo diet.

Communism
God bless you if you’re a card carrying communist. Marx-Engel’s critique of the commodity market is still pretty solid, and if you mix that with yoga, well, I’m sure there’s something there. Nevertheless, as in years past, we predict a continued rejection of the “c-word” amongst leftist yoginitrons.

Anarchism
Anarchism is a very “in” word these days. We predict it will remain as such and continue to fashion armchair yoga anti-politicos like us with a solid foundation upon which to guffaw.

Yoga Activists
People performing asana in public as a self-proclaimed political act will continue to be chuckled at.

$$$

GURUS

That guy

That guy

Gurus (from the perspective of “victim”)
In 2013 gurus will continue to be the scapegoat of every maladjusted underdeveloped pseudo-adult in the spiritual yoga game. No one will be allowed to have sex with them ’cause everyone will be policing everyone else on the matter.

Gurus (from the perspective of “perpetrator”)
Dastardly ’til the end, in 2013 gurus will continue to (secretly) give less than two shits what sexually conservative Americans think about their (secret) sexcapades. They will continue to (secretly) make squeek-squeek with your ex-girlfriend (and her mom) ’cause, seriously, what’s hotter than a sweet piece of yoga tail? Squeek-squeek.

$$$

THE BABARAZZI

We and Us

We and Us

The Babarazzi
In 2013 acclaimed yoga culture critique site, The Babarazzi, will continue to try and convince readers that talking smack about yogilebrities is somehow important. They will do it with as much humor and sass, and with as many references to Foucault as they can pull out of their bums, in order to maintain their position as Yoga Blog Enthusiast Extraordinaire. People will continue to swoon to the site, because you and I both know, it’s kinda awesome.

Babarazzi Commenters
Shaken by the fact that the world did not end on December 21, 2012, Babarazzi commenters will gather to take the worlds largest bong hit ever witnessed. They will drop tons of acid and turn the practice of “wake and bake” into a veritable art form. Then, they’ll walk over to the computer, turn it on, and comment on The Babarazzi. As in 2012, we The Babarazzi will love them for it.

18 comments

  1. Dyspeptic Skeptic

    2013 is the year that Dahn Yoga becomes the credible alternative by comparison to what is out there.

  2. amphibi1yogini

    Not just Dahn Yoga, but … wait for it … Dahn Yoga — GANGNAM Style!!

  3. Yes, I missed you. Yes, it was also a relief to have some time to myself during the early hours and not have to obsessively read everything you write and all the comments. Yes, I still smell the wafts from the shat of all the white males who shat themselves over Advaita Vedanta. And, finally, yes, yes, yes, my own prediction for 2013 is that someone (maybe me?) will fit all of the yogalebrities you’ve mentioned into a Volkswagen Bug for entertainment’s sake and then after they all file out to everyone’s great surprise, they will be forced to join a “Hands on a Hard Body” competition. It’s good to be home! Xxx

  4. Yoga_Dude

    “Yoga Journal will feature a differently-abled yoga practitioner on its cover. Possibly in a wheel chair.”

    If this does happen I hope they will use a person of color. That way they can get their obligatory non-anglo cover in for the decade.

  5. Garuda

    2013 wil finally be the year when the phrase…”I know, Right?”… finally disappears from the lexicon.

  6. 2013 will be another year when someone fails to come up with “Painting with Bob Ross” Yoga – now *that* I could totally get on board with. It would give a whole new meaning to (happy little)Tree Pose, that’s for sure! Maybe Dana Flynn could give it a go?

  7. Greenpoint

    ah, I found “stuff my nightmares are made of” for 2013 with that last picture…many thanks…

  8. About that last picture, who is the cloaked figure in the back by the window?

  9. jorge

    glad you’re back. god this post made me realize how much i wish i could meet a card carrying commie, who also fucking LOVES yoga! my only experience with real deals has been an equal parts fascination, respect, and wingnut radar level 11. one guy i knew was the person to come to an otherwise pretty tame and uneventful war protest with a bullhorn and start screaming, “PROLETARIAT UNITE!!! DEATH TO THE CORPORATE WAR LORDS!!!!” and, “PIGS GO HOME! OINK OINK OINK!” at the cops. HE kind of scared me in one way and in another way kind of made me feel pretty lame that all i was doing was mulling around on the side walk in front of the courthouse *hoping* that some people detained would be released if the cops found it in their hearts to do so. it would have changed my life forever to have seem him sit down and start doing a couple rounds of bastrika and a few warrior poses before storming the gates and busting our comrades out himself.

    love the predictions, we’ll have to wait and see at the end of the year how well your siddhis are coming along…..

  10. The P

    Give some props (and credit) to those #Occupy kids, they’ve been working grassroots Hurricane Sandy Relief from literally the day after the storm hit and are still going strong today. They, and many other grassroots groups, have been quite busy this Fall/Winter with their feet on the ground literally rebuilding communities. They may still be drinking forties at night with their anarchist dogs, tho; I haven’t peeked in their tents lately..

    O.K., end of my banner waving..

  11. Paperback Writer: The ghost from Three Men and a Baby

    jorge: Ah, that poor lil’ commie bastard….

    The P: Now, come on, The P. You and I know that it’s simply way funnier to leave out all those pesky details about how Occupy Sandy outperformed (and continues to outperform) both the city and Red Cross’ efforts in still ravaged places such as Staten Island, and how the media has continually ignored their efforts when reporting on relief aid! Nope. Dogs and forties is funnier. We’re sticking with dogs and forties.

    • The P

      I know, I know! Guess I’ve developed a tender spot for the anarchist underdogs *sniff*. Don’t forget the hand rolled ciggies they are perpetually chain smoking. I’m still finding tobacco in corners of my car from the rolling mishaps. Smells quite nice in it’s unburned state, actually.

      Great, fun piece! Glad you are back..

    • Chai Fan

      Doods! I did a day out in the Rockaways with Occupy Sandy. There was a guy there drinking a forty (or more accurately a BIG can of beer) at around 12:30 in the afternoon. At the designated “occupy house”, not even two weeks after the hurricane. He was also smoking cigarettes (probably hand rolled P). We moved a big piece of debris together. I think I fell in love. Where are you Occupy Boy??? I will never forget you! I think he was probably 10 years younger than me….sigh. AND, someone else brought an awesome puppy. Not sure why a puppy was on the premises, but the puppy rocked. This is all true, and in no way undermines the incredible work they did and continue to do…despite the dogs and forties…Thank you for providing me a venue with which to declare my unrequited occupy LOVE!! Great piece Babs!

      • The P

        Were you at YANA? I was down in Far Rock the week following the hurricane and that second weekend as well. I was doing runs between YANA, 59th, Dayton Towers and down into the 20’s and 30’s. I spent a couple weekends at the Church at 520 Clinton as well. Good people, tireless workers, genuinely caring. If these kids could represent the future I think we might be O.K. – dogs, forties, rolled ciggies and all!

        • Chai Fan

          I think I was around there as well, though I couldn’t tell you for sure. Numbered streets close to their “headquarters” is where I was sent. I was also at the Church at 520 Cllinton, when I couldn’t get a ride to the Rockaways. I was really impressed with how much they were doing. Just one example, getting tasty hot meals out to people in need right after they were cooked with care, so they weren’t just getting FEMA meals, which are just strange. Oddly, I ended up canvassing the neighborhood for supplies at one point. And about 15+ years ago, I was a professional canvasser! Never thought I’d do that again. They really want you tap into your resources and what you have to offer. Overall I found very little pretension or ego, just the attitude that this is what we need to do, help people. I agree we’d be in good hands with them!

  12. A Lady

    Worth the wait.

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