Well, well, well. Look who’s back…. YOU ARE! Fantastic. Love it. Glad to see you. Did you miss us? We missed you. Did you think we weren’t coming back? Didn’t care? WTF???
Hey, we take this site seriously. But, we take taking breaks from the site, like, very seriously. Nevertheless, the show must go on! May we offer you this toast as we welcome you to your home away from home.
Let’s just jump right in, shall we?
Many people don’t know that some of us here are virtual prediction masters. Obviously, we can’t always be correct, but usually we come pretty close. To start off this new apocalyptic year right, we decided to present you with a few of our predictions for this coming transitional period.
To the prediction booth!
Elena seemed to be wearing her motivational speaker mic a lot more last year. Anyone notice that? This sorta yoga-as-
empowerment entitlement thing. Our guess is that Brower will continue to go in this direction, only we predict she will actually move farther away from linking the new narrative to yoga asana *practice* and prepare for the leap into total self help guru. As a bonus prediction, we think “tell the truth” (or something along those lines) will get trademarked. Probably wrong on this one, but you get the idea.
In 2013, as in 2012, Mr. Friend will find it increasing hard to get any traction on anything even remotely associated with his own name. Since we’ve never seen an Empire come around twice, we’re not so positive on John’s return to fame.
2013 will be the year Sadie Nardini realizes that The Babarazzi is the hottest thing out there, and that Aghori Babarazzi is probably the sexiest personae in the biz, and will ask for his hand in sacred matrimony. The two will buy a beautiful cabin upstate, kick all other lazy ass Babarazzinis out of the game, and edit the website openly and with much fervor.
Kelly will purchase an increasing number of shamanic curios, not from their country of origin, but from street vendors on St. Marks Place in NYC. We also predict that if you question her on this, she will throw an insane circa-high school hissy fit, but call it a “dharma talk.”
Well, Shiva has a book supposedly coming out this year, so that’s a freebee on that one. But, we also predict this book will go unread by most everyone who does yoga. There are just sooo many yoga books out there!
David Life & Sharon Gannon
This year will be the year David and Sharon finally, and literally, merge their bodies into one another. They will also somehow rupture the space time continuum by becoming even more vegan. Did you know they were vegan? They are.
Ashtanga Yoga’s youngest, most tiny-shorts-wearing, and most widely visible emissary will continue to upload a seemingly endless array of free yoga YouTube vids. A resource for all, these videos will become even more useful for the general practitioner, as well as the general masturbator.
Winter can be tough for all those #Occupy kids sleeping out in tents asking for change so they can feed their anarchist dog and buy forties. We predict Seane Corn will also wait for the warming months to come out and yell at a bunch of people who, for the most part, are indirectly protesting her very own yoga celebrity status. She might even wear all black as she misinterprets their clapping.
Seeing as it doesn’t look like the hyper-commercialization of athletics is going anywhere, and seeing as Ms. Stiles is kinda yoked (which, you know, is, like, what the word “yoga” means) to this trend, we have incredibly positive feelings about her 2013 fiscal year. Mergers, acquisitions, X/Y coordinates will align forming a branded logo fit for Kings.
NYC’s Dana Flynn will invent another “signature pose.” Nothing else to note here.
White males practically shat themselves with utter joy the day Nisargadatta’s I Am That was published. Finally. A full proof way to destroy all those who dare debate spirituality from a dualist perspective. We predict that many more white males will continue to shat themselves. We also predict a lot of girlfriends will find themselves on the wrong end of many an argument over the validity of female deity worship. Sorry, ladies.
It is our belief that Patanjali’s Yoga Sutras will continue to be the most oft quoted yoga text of the century. We also believe that the Yoga Sutras will continue to be the most unfinished book on yoga people’s shelves. Come on, people. Cut out the commentary and the book is, like, a hundred pages long. If that.
After all the murders and abuse and intimidation and scandal and sexual promiscuity and lawsuits and rumors of poisoning and overall insanity that was the 1960s–70s Hare Krishna movement, devotees of Prabhupad needed a little PR reboot. Vaisnavism, luckily being the philosophical basis for Vishnu/Krishna worship, has been a nice name to rest on. We think taking on the Vaishnava tag is good thing, and predict many many many young people from every corner of the globe will think the same this year as in previous ones.
Shaivism is what people who like tantra, but also like non-dualism get into. In the West it’s mostly lost it’s dreadloccks, and for that we are sad. We blame this on Shaivite translator Daniel Odier and his hairless head. We are employing our “think positive” approach on this one, and predicting the in 2013 Shaivites will once again grow long matted dreadlocks.
Spiritual people frickin’ LOVE taoism. And, why not. Any text that begins with “The Way that can be named is not the Way,” is bound to get practicing mystics aroused. Problem is, no one has any idea what to do with taoism! Where do you go to study it? Who do you study it with? Walking through China Town might get you somewhere, but more often then not it’ll end with a foot rub and a happy ending. We predict that 2013 will be the year taoism remained elusive. Well done! You’re part of a very elite group.
New Thought started out kinda dope, but ended up like everything else. All about the Benjamins. Since we ain’t economic forecasters, we’re having a hard time predicting this one. Our best advice? Bet on the white guy.
2013 will be the year Westerners officially reduce the world’s third largest religion to a slogan on a motivation graphic passed around Facebook. Though it will still get roughly twenty two million likes, it just won’t be the same as the old version of the religion. You know, the one that wasn’t even called “Indus Valley-ism,” and was just a bunch of people doing their thing.
On any NYC subway, Christianity is often defined as being the religion of that crazy lady who keeps yelling about how we are all sinners. (I mean, it’s 5:30 in the morning, sister! This ain’t working). Anyway, what with the advent of the interwebs and all those young people on their thingamabobs with the whatchamacallits in their ears, we predict Christian yoga will get a sweet and very sensible youthful sheen.
How many Jews practice yoga? Anyone know? We don’t. But, we do know that so long as there’s one, some idiot out there is gonna think they control the whole scene. Which, in a way, is kinda flattering. I mean, any religion that holds the place of being half as large as Sikhism, and is still considered the secret force behind it all, has got to be doing something right! We predict Jews will continue to probably-not control the yoga scene, but will no doubt change it somehow.
You gotta feel bad for Islam. They’re always the third wheel when it comes to the Judeo-Christian traditions. Rarely allowed at the party. Perhaps it’s because it’s so damn hard to tell where Islamic scholars have landed on the whole “Is yoga permissible in Islam” debate. Without a centralized power structure in the religion, pretty much anyone and his son, and his son, and his son, and his son can throw out a fatwa on the case. We predict that everyday Muslims will, like everyone else, ignore what the jurists say and do yoga anyway. It’s wedding season, and time to slim down!
For the most part Sikhs don’t do yoga. Oh, wait. [insert smiley emoticon]
Atheism [insert another smiley emoticon]
We predict that otherwise smart people who happen to be atheists will continue to shelve all that non-linear openness (aka “freethought” [sic]) in order to tow the line of some of the most uninspired religious critique and philosophical inquiry known to humanity. In 2013, we foresee another year in which atheists continue to act like your super smart engineer father who can’t seem to turn off Fox News. Ever.
DEITIES, GODHEADS, and PROPHETS
Kali’s position on top of the empowered female yogini altar will continue to hold, as what better deity can help you justify calling your server at your local raw foods money pit an “asshole imperialist” just ’cause he put ice in your water on the same day you lost your internet connection while watching HBO’s Girls?
This year, thousands of yoga practitioners will invoke Ganesh as the “remover of obstacles.” They will leave it at that, ’cause who the hell knows what other things Ganesh is good for?!
If you’re into yoga and into spirituality, you’ve probably got a funny relationship to Jesus. You like him, ’cause, really, what’s not to like. But, you don’t like him too much, ’cause that’d just be weird. We’re going against the tide on this one and predicting/hoping for a very de-Christianized Jesus loving filled with Adamite nudist revelry and Digger communalist anti-authoritarianism. Hoorah!
God gets the shit kicked out of shim on a daily basis. But, since God is the one doing the shit kicking, it’s kinda hir own fault. We predict that in 2013 God will be and be shit kicked kicking.
YOGA BLOGS & PUBLICATIONS
Elephant Journal has for some time now been the beacon of all that is contemporary, commercial, and casual in the yoga world. Rubbing the crystal ball of our own domes has convinced us that, yes, in 2013 EJ will continue to reign supreme as the greatest representative of contemporary yoga culture on the web. Take that for what it’s worth.
In short, Yoga Journal will feature a differently-abled yoga practitioner on its cover. Possibly in a wheel chair.
Sorry to say, but yoga blogs have got their work cut out for them this year. It’s becoming more and more apparent that free give-aways and quaint little blips about Obama’s dog doing yoga ain’t where it’s at. Then again, blogs that go this route appear to have enormous followings and lots of juicy advertisers knocking down their doors. Shit. We’re screwed! Keep doing what you’re doing, yoga blogs. We’ll eventually follow suit. Although, we predict this won’t happen in 2013.
On paper yoga liberals sound like the best thing since foie gras. However, once you get them talking, it starts sounding like a lot of Seane Corn-lite, which in case you didn’t know, is pretty goddam lite! Nevertheless, we predict liberal yoga practitioners will continue to dominate the scene and the discourse. Bummer.
Conservatives don’t do yoga. They do Cross Fit and have recently adopted the Paleo diet.
God bless you if you’re a card carrying communist. Marx-Engel’s critique of the commodity market is still pretty solid, and if you mix that with yoga, well, I’m sure there’s something there. Nevertheless, as in years past, we predict a continued rejection of the “c-word” amongst leftist yoginitrons.
Anarchism is a very “in” word these days. We predict it will remain as such and continue to fashion armchair yoga anti-politicos like us with a solid foundation upon which to guffaw.
People performing asana in public as a self-proclaimed political act will continue to be chuckled at.
Gurus (from the perspective of “victim”)
In 2013 gurus will continue to be the scapegoat of every maladjusted underdeveloped pseudo-adult in the spiritual yoga game. No one will be allowed to have sex with them ’cause everyone will be policing everyone else on the matter.
Gurus (from the perspective of “perpetrator”)
Dastardly ’til the end, in 2013 gurus will continue to (secretly) give less than two shits what sexually conservative Americans think about their (secret) sexcapades. They will continue to (secretly) make squeek-squeek with your ex-girlfriend (and her mom) ’cause, seriously, what’s hotter than a sweet piece of yoga tail? Squeek-squeek.
In 2013 acclaimed yoga culture critique site, The Babarazzi, will continue to try and convince readers that talking smack about yogilebrities is somehow important. They will do it with as much humor and sass, and with as many references to Foucault as they can pull out of their bums, in order to maintain their position as Yoga Blog Enthusiast Extraordinaire. People will continue to swoon to the site, because you and I both know, it’s kinda awesome.
Shaken by the fact that the world did not end on December 21, 2012, Babarazzi commenters will gather to take the worlds largest bong hit ever witnessed. They will drop tons of acid and turn the practice of “wake and bake” into a veritable art form. Then, they’ll walk over to the computer, turn it on, and comment on The Babarazzi. As in 2012, we The Babarazzi will love them for it.