[YOGA BLEACHING] Wouldn’t You Rather Do Yoga in a Box?

Yoga has become the hottest fad on the market, and yet the complaints just keep coming in. Of course, there’s anger over yogilebrities dominating the discourse on yoga’s future, and sure there’s practitioner’s frustration with Entertainment Yoga‘s hold on all the fun, but still there is one itch that just keeps eluding our every scratch. Yogis and yoginis around the world are just sick to their flat little scrumptuous stomachs wondering: When the hell will I be able to do yoga in a box?

Well, the time has finally come!

Sunlighten is a company that “empowers wellness” by making infrared saunas that you can put in your own home. In these saunas you can:

Work on your spray tan while pressing buttons on a screen….

Where a belt just south of your pecs while orbs of labeled light emanates toward you….

Continue wearing the oddly-placed belt while watching your wife have sex with another man on your expensive pool table….

Or, ditch the hole box thing and live it up Muammar Gaddafi style while infrared sauna camping….

You sauna-camping in your friend’s home

Muammar Gaddafi back-yard camping outside Donald Trump’s home

Or, just get down, and start doing some of that awesome yoga. In a box. Yoga in a box.

If you’re unsure how that would actually work, seeing as the thing is so damn small, Sunlighten has posted a few instructions on doing so, all of which are prefaced with the obvious caveat: you really can’t do yoga in one of these:

“Now, your yoga poses may be limited by the size of your sauna (some of our larger saunas have good space for a variety of moves) but here are a few very simple positions and stretches that would be terrific in most Sunlighten infrared saunas.”

Of course, the “asanas” recommended are your average “stand-still-in-one-place-asana,” “sit-with-legs-up-a-wall-asana,” and the ever-so-dangerous “put-your-foot-on-a-chair-asana.” Ta-Da! Yoga!

Although, it’s not like Sunlighten is just giving you some silly ol’ box to just go ahead and do yoga in. No. Sunlighten actually “Enhance[s] the healing power of yoga.”

This basically means that the people at Sunlighten are so advanced in the ancient tradition that they have superseded the limits of what yoga can offer, and not only actualized post-nirvanic bliss, but have the brains and cleverness to actually construct a box that will allow you to do the same! Ever wonder what would happen if you used more than ten percent of your brain? Well, look no further.

And, it doesn’t stop there. According to the random text thrown in at the top of the ad, this yoga hot box has something to do with:

  • “detoxification”
  • “pain relief”
  • “heart health”
  • “weight loss”

Which, in case you didn’t get the email, are all codes for:

  • “Your insides are poison”
  • “Your body is broken”
  • “Your life is about to end”
  • “Your skin can barely contain the amount of fat therein”

I don’t even know if the yoga sauna box is able to deal with all that, as the words are just sort of thrown in, but let’s assume if you buy one of these, you’ll at least get your sweat on. In a box. Yoga in a box. A hot sweaty box filled with scientific light. A box that sits in your box of a basement that sits in your box of a $4 million mansion that sits in your box of a gated community that sits in your box of a “No Poor People Allowed Unless They’re Raising My Kids” town. That’s five boxes deep. If boxes were pigs, you’d be the biggest baddest pig farmer this side of the Mississippi!

Now, take us home, Malvina Reynolds….

____________________

yoga bleaching: 1. a form of marketing in which yoga or an image of yogic lifestyle is used to make an otherwise unrelated product appear to be in line with yogic principles. 2. the act of using yoga or an image of yogic lifestyle to sell an unrelated product. 3. a form of spin or marketing intended to deceive consumers into believing that a product is related to yogic practice or theory when in fact it is not.

21 comments

  1. Yoga Dude

    I can Yoga in a box.
    I can Yoga with a fox.
    I can Yoga here and there.
    I can Yoga everywhere.

    I can Yoga yes I can.
    I can Yoga, Sam I am.

    🙂

  2. Warriors and Goddesses

    clinically backed? by who? watch calories burn away with real time LCD screen? whaaaaa? Get in the box and stay there!

  3. Why isn’t Bikram (or that other famous hot yoga teacher) suing these sauna advertisers?

    Especially their old ad that had the tagline: “Want to generate tapas?”

  4. amphibi1yogini

    Additionally, in the history of architecture and planned unit developments, Levittown does have a special place in history .. the GI bill made those little boxes affordable for that generation that Malvina Reynolds wrote about …

  5. Greenpoint

    “Another Sign of the Apocalypse” could have been an appropriate title for this piece, or rather “Another Reason for the Apocalypse”….

    Little Boxes video is awesome!

  6. Sis

    Love the song, great lyrics!!! =)

  7. Little radiant pig, radiant light, radiating stupid. This is too funny to be mad at. So glad you wrote this post. Who knew?

  8. Yogically speaking

    Apparently, trying to brainwash your cult followers in large, box-like yoga “studios” has a major downside. The “wash” simply doesn’t last. Your followers go home to their real loved ones, and start speaking in multiple-syllables and breathing normally again. They forget to shop at Lulu. They even forget their mantra. But as B.F. Skinner learned decades ago, if you put your daughter in a box, and try to control her entire life experience from the jump, you have a shot at instilling that “wellness” she so desperately needs. Well, since yoga is LIFE itself, isn’t it time you put your little “yogini” in a box? (with Toto, too!) With a little repositioning, Sunlighten might actually reach the mass market here. Little boxes? Yes, little boxes — for your little ones!

  9. I guess this nullifies “thinking outside of the box” because it would seem you need to suspend all brain activity to get into this box.
    Those marketeers are really retarded. With crap like this floating around and people falling for it, no need to wait, the Apocalypse is already here….

  10. how much is this fuckin thing?? not including watching my wife get fucked.. of course

  11. Yogically speaking

    Little boxes, little boxes….

    Behavioral psychologist B.F. Skinner on “Operant Conditioning” (a.k.a. “Pigeon Pose”).

    “Once you have found the causes of human behavior, there is less of a need to attribute those causes to an act of human free will, and eventually, you don’t have to attribute anything to [free will]”

  12. itstrue

    This is just so fucking funny. I wonder who actually buys this crap?

  13. jorge

    but the best part of getting in the sauna is the delicate balance of trying to be casual about your unashamedly exposed crotch while also kind of laughing and enjoying how awkward it all is. can’t get this if you’re not in a public spa! also a good time to work on proper dristhi…..

  14. yogaweed

    all I can think about is that belt… wtf is it?

  15. Yogically speaking

    I think we should lower a yoga sauna box into an Infinity Pool. We could even charge money, like an amusement park ride? Become an Underwater Yoga Sea Goddess – and commune with Marine Life! I can just see thousands of whales and porpoises migrating from seas far and wide to answer the yogic mating call. If we can figure out a way to charge them, we might just have a goldmine.

  16. That’s gotta beat swimming with dolphins (even such used as therapy) … I always used to dream of bathyspheres when I was a kid …

    • Yogically speaking

      Yes, as a boy, I used to watch “Voyage to the Bottom of the Sea” religiously. But this seems more like, “Help, I’m Drowning. Get me Out!”

  17. I can’t believe no one’s made the obvious joke about things that should come in boxes…

  18. Yogically speaking

    There may be a couple of other “obvious” parallels: the nuclear war
    scares of the 1950s that led so many otherwise sensible Americans to
    build “fall out” shelters in their basements and backyards?

    Apparently, some people “of means” are already building their own yoga
    “civil defense” chambers in anticipation of the pending Apocalypse.

    Well, it takes a villa…

    I’d love to see Yoga Doomsday averted. And hopefully, these private
    chambers might be converted into something like the semi-public
    “Orgasmatron” in Woody Allen’s Sleeper?

    Just imagine the copulation rate in a Yoga “Orgasmatron”? We’re talking
    Guinness World Records here.

    In fact, local ordinance permitting, why not put the new yoga copulation
    chamber on street corners, just like Tour Bikes and Zip Cars?

    Or attach it to the local yoga studio so that teachers and students could
    transition more readily from “Corpse Pose” to “Hot-and-Sticky Fun”
    Pose? Why waste such a good Kundalini high?

    This is the kind of initiative John Friend would surely have pioneered at
    “Yoga MIT” in Encinitas. Leave it to the Haters to wreck it for everyone.

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