Yoga has become the hottest fad on the market, and yet the complaints just keep coming in. Of course, there’s anger over yogilebrities dominating the discourse on yoga’s future, and sure there’s practitioner’s frustration with Entertainment Yoga‘s hold on all the fun, but still there is one itch that just keeps eluding our every scratch. Yogis and yoginis around the world are just sick to their flat little scrumptuous stomachs wondering: When the hell will I be able to do yoga in a box?
Well, the time has finally come!
Sunlighten is a company that “empowers wellness” by making infrared saunas that you can put in your own home. In these saunas you can:
Work on your spray tan while pressing buttons on a screen….
Where a belt just south of your pecs while orbs of labeled light emanates toward you….
Continue wearing the oddly-placed belt while watching your wife have sex with another man on your expensive pool table….
Or, ditch the hole box thing and live it up Muammar Gaddafi style while infrared sauna camping….
Or, just get down, and start doing some of that awesome yoga. In a box. Yoga in a box.
If you’re unsure how that would actually work, seeing as the thing is so damn small, Sunlighten has posted a few instructions on doing so, all of which are prefaced with the obvious caveat: you really can’t do yoga in one of these:
“Now, your yoga poses may be limited by the size of your sauna (some of our larger saunas have good space for a variety of moves) but here are a few very simple positions and stretches that would be terrific in most Sunlighten infrared saunas.”
Of course, the “asanas” recommended are your average “stand-still-in-one-place-asana,” “sit-with-legs-up-a-wall-asana,” and the ever-so-dangerous “put-your-foot-on-a-chair-asana.” Ta-Da! Yoga!
Although, it’s not like Sunlighten is just giving you some silly ol’ box to just go ahead and do yoga in. No. Sunlighten actually “Enhance[s] the healing power of yoga.”
This basically means that the people at Sunlighten are so advanced in the ancient tradition that they have superseded the limits of what yoga can offer, and not only actualized post-nirvanic bliss, but have the brains and cleverness to actually construct a box that will allow you to do the same! Ever wonder what would happen if you used more than ten percent of your brain? Well, look no further.
And, it doesn’t stop there. According to the random text thrown in at the top of the ad, this yoga hot box has something to do with:
- “pain relief”
- “heart health”
- “weight loss”
Which, in case you didn’t get the email, are all codes for:
- “Your insides are poison”
- “Your body is broken”
- “Your life is about to end”
- “Your skin can barely contain the amount of fat therein”
I don’t even know if the yoga sauna box is able to deal with all that, as the words are just sort of thrown in, but let’s assume if you buy one of these, you’ll at least get your sweat on. In a box. Yoga in a box. A hot sweaty box filled with scientific light. A box that sits in your box of a basement that sits in your box of a $4 million mansion that sits in your box of a gated community that sits in your box of a “No Poor People Allowed Unless They’re Raising My Kids” town. That’s five boxes deep. If boxes were pigs, you’d be the biggest baddest pig farmer this side of the Mississippi!
Now, take us home, Malvina Reynolds….
yoga bleaching: 1. a form of marketing in which yoga or an image of yogic lifestyle is used to make an otherwise unrelated product appear to be in line with yogic principles. 2. the act of using yoga or an image of yogic lifestyle to sell an unrelated product. 3. a form of spin or marketing intended to deceive consumers into believing that a product is related to yogic practice or theory when in fact it is not.