Thanks to one of our readers for passing along Elephant Journal‘s recent article “Are Yoga Teachers Better in Bed?,” which basically reads like the textual equivalent of a fluffer on a porn set. That being the case, we’ve shamelessly taken the piece under our gentle wing and remixed it so it makes more sense. Truth be told, we still can’t tell if the original piece was a satirizing joke, but figured what the hell? We’ll take the bait.
Here’s our take:
Are Yogalebrities Better in Bed?
Yogilebrities know the body like Michael Geshe Roach knows an impending doom
You see, kids, coloring a few pages of The Anatomy Coloring Book and taking a weekend workshop with Anatomy Trains author, Tom Myers, magically turns a yogilebrity into an anatomy wizard. Not to mention, if you randomly use the words “body alignment,” “superficial layer,” “fascia,” and “psoas” in your course description you somehow become, like, the Carl Sagan of yoga physiology. And, you know what that means for sexy time…. G-Spots better run for the frickin’ hillz! It’s Go Time!
Yogilebrities are way passionate about little green slips of paper
What’s hotter than sex with a yogilebrity just after s/he makes a free YouTube video of cash-cow asanas that really just doubles as a marketing spot for the not-so-free Teacher Training behind the curtain? I mean, it’s one thing if your partner yells out the name of an ex-lover while your face is buried half way to China. It’s another when s/he starts howlin’ to Benjamin Franklin, Andrew Jackson, and Ulysses S. Grant. That’s craaaaaazy sexy! Bummer for you, though. If yogilebrities can even have orgasms, it ain’t the thought of you that’s gonna make it happen.
With yogilebrities, the lights may be on, but no one is home
It’s a good thing yogilebrities have toned down all that knowledge and discourse nonsense. What a drag! Nothing kills the mood like a sex partner who knows a thing or two about the Hatha Yoga Pradapika. Thankfully, it doesn’t take Steven Hawking to know that 9/10 of what comes out of a yogilebrity’s mouth is more fart than thought. It stinks, lingers longer than you’d hope, reminds you of taking a dump, and will forever be kinda funny. Wear a face mask like smart SARS people do. Can anyone say, “role play!”
Yogilebrity sexy time—like It’s a Small World—is a never-ending ride to nowhere
The best part about a yogilebrity yoga class is alllllllllllllll the amaaaaaazing verrrrrrrrbal instruuuuuuuuuction you get to lissssssssssssssten to even thooooooough you can baaaaaaarely heeeeeeeeeear any of ittttttttttttttttttt over the daaaaaaaaaaance music plaaaaaaaaylist whiiiiiiiiiiile the headset miiiiiiiiiicrophone keeeeeeeeeeeeeeps cutting ooooooooout. Not to mention the insiiiiiiiiightful dhaaaaaaaaaaaaarma talk you get at the begiiiiiiiiiiining of the classsssssssssssssss aboooooooooooout fiiiiiiiiiiiinding yoooooooooour oooooooooooown Truuuuuuuuuuth. I woooooooooonder ifffffffffffffffff thiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiis issssssssssss whaaaaaaaaaaat theeeeeeeeeeeee seeeeeeeeeeeeeex willllllllllllllllllllll beeeeeeeeeeeeeeee liiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiike tooooooooooooooo.
And now the one you’ve all been waiting for
Remember that pillow you used to have sex with as a young greasy know-nothing adolescent freak? Delicious yogilebrity sex is kinda like that, only without all the intimacy. Now, lock the bedroom door, tell your parents you’re going to sleep early, turn on the night light, and get down to business! Yee-Haw!