NIYAMA YAMA #7: Yes, Children are the Primordial Chaos in Flesh. But They Still Can’t Do Yoga

Got yourself knocked up and popped out an Indigo Child dressed in the flesh of cosmic divinity? Great. But, that doesn’t mean it can do yoga.

YAMA (DON’T)

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“Ommmmmmmm…. Inhaaaaaale your baby up over your head. Exhaaaaaale, fold forward, and place your baby at your feet. Inhaaaaaale look up. Exhaaaaaale jump back into chaturanga. Inhaaaaaale urdhva mukha svanasana. Exhaaaaaaale adho mukha svanasana. Inhaaaaaale lift your right leg up externally rotating the hips. Exhaaaaaale step your right foot forward without kicking your child in the face. Inhaaaaaale come to terms with the fact that you’re obsessed with your child. Exhaaaaaale stop thinking your baby should somehow be a part of a sun salutation.”

NIYAMA (DO)

Listen. The “terrible twos” are a nightmare. That’s why God invented desert islands. Once those kids learn how to form rival clans and exchange brides like currency, then you can bring them back home just in time to start the “awful fours,” at which point they will serve as daily reminders of just how out of control life really is. And, isn’t that a darn good thing? Now turn on the video camera, and do that crazy thing you do, girl.

22 comments

  1. Emily

    First time I’ve disagreed with you in awhile! Yes, some of the poses I’ve seen in books (like Warrior 2 with your baby on the thigh) looks way too high-maintenance and overly cutesy. But the yoga you see up there is done after the students do cute little exercises with the babies. Isn’t a bone-tired, overwhelmed new mom entitled to get a little yoga done in a class that actually lets them bring in their babies with them? Oh, the humanity!

    • Hi, Emily! Thanks for continuing to read this site! Nice to see you.

      The Niyama/Yama posts are what we call “jokes,” where we take an arbitrary opinion on an aspect of yoga culture and elevate it to the point of absurdity. With this we hope to induce a chuckle, the quality of which Imannuel Kant has said “arises if a tense expectation is transformed into nothing.”

      Another way to understand the Niyama/Yama posts is to accept that the human being possesses a complex matrix of contradictory and irrational opinions on any given single subject at any given time all simultaneously. We simply pluck one of those out, make it funny, and put a picture over it.

      Pass it on.

  2. Emily

    Fair enough, and most of the time, these are balls-to-the-wall accurate and funny as hell! This one just hits close to home for me, since I teach this stuff and get these kinds of questions all.the.time!

    • I’m just playing with ya, Emily. We knew the baby one was gonna ruffle a few feathers. Which is why we have another one already in the line-up for down the road. 🙂

  3. Babies are the quintessential yogins – they breathe and move and feel with deep awareness. There is nothing like watching a baby breathe – and then we forget how and our yoga brings us back….

  4. Love the video. The real star is the camera man/woman.

    Thanks for posting.

    Bob W.

  5. The P

    I thought the mom and baby yoga classes were predominantly for the new moms to get out of the house and do something so they don’t go crazy without having to arrange for babysitting. There are all sorts of mom and baby classes out there, even mom and baby Zumba. Poor moms, I say let ’em have it, they’re going to need to build their strength to deal with the little buggers crawlin all over them in a few years like the lady in the video <- great video, btw!

  6. that was some BEAUTIFUL asana practice!

    and I get where Emily is coming from, too…

  7. jorge

    jackson, you shut that damn fridge!

  8. gross

    i know lindsay and she moves beautifully. love this awesome vid that is super real and she even is laughing in her practice and looking at the camera. she is present to the reality.

  9. Mohamed Allise

    Lovely post! – Just – lovely.

  10. That’s a sweet little video. I love when her son rests his head on her pubic bone when she’s in urdhva dhanurasana. My puppy totally does that when I’m lying in bed in supta baddha konasana.

  11. “Got yourself knocked up and popped out an Indigo Child dressed in the flesh of cosmic divinity? Great.”
    hehehe…
    Let’s not forget the Crystal Children, Rainbow Children and Diamond Children as well as the other groups Doreen Virtue has come up with!

  12. Childcare is expensive– and developmentally and socially problematic. All yoga classes should be open to children with their parents by definition.

    • itstrue

      Alex Auder, this makes no sense. There are places for kids and places for adults and places where they both shall meet. But a yoga studio for adults is not for kids. I love kids and want a million of my own, but I absolutely do not want to take a class and have someones precious child be there distracting everything with their cute and natural ways. I took a class with Elena Brower once and her fucking kid was there and it was totally annoying and she kept referring to him and everyone was oooo-ig and aaaaah-ing and it was just dumb and self-gratifying. No thanks and I love you!

      • I, the “real” Alex Auder, did not write that. Either there is another one out there (unlikely) or someone loves me so much they took on my name but wrote things I would never say. xo

    • Okay, well it turns out it was my husband, Nick, who wrote that comment. He is sleeping here next to me suffering from swimmers ear. I turned him onto this blog and he decided to make that comment. I told him it was “bad”. Now I’m spanking him.

      • The P

        Pesky spouses! I bet he thinks he’s hiiiilarious. Poke him in the ear or sneak up and shout really loud “No no no no no no no no no!”

  13. The P

    “All yoga classes should be open to children with their parents by definition”

    No. No no no no no no no no no! No! No no no no no no no no no no no no no! No!

    Uhm, no

  14. Hey– I have no idea who is calling themselves ALEX AUDER–and if there is indeed another one out there (another alex auder, that is) then… Hi! How are ya? But This Alex Auder at aauder@gmail.com and alex@westvillageyoga did NOT write that comment above…. so who are you, heh? I’m curious….Interesting you would want to attribute that particular comment to me. Hello, you.

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