Blog-time is not the same as real-world-time. For example, a debate that happened in the blogoshpere three months ago (i.e. the debate over Sadie Nardini’s online “weight loss” ads) feels as far away now as a debate that happened in the real world three years ago (i.e. the debate over who killed Michael Jackson). Stuff just moves quicker on the interwebs. That’s why when Sadie Nardini last week resurrected the weight loss discussion by writing what appears to be a late-to-the-party piece of self-promotion for Elephant, a few of us were confused. I mean, those discussions about Sadie seem soooooooooo daaaaaaaaaaaamn old!
Of course, someone had to take the bait, and yoga commentator, Carol Horton, took on the Herculean task of teasing out some form of intelligible thesis among Sadie’s market ramblings, going as far as saying she “admires” Sadie for her “incisive” writing, a compliment we can’t seem to find any basis for.
Nevertheless, despite our disagreement with Horton’s praise, and our seeing through Sadie’s self-promotion, there is something we’d like to come out and own up to.
Now, I know we’re going to get some grief for this, but, we The Babarazzi happen to agree with the concept of “Sadie Nardini and weight loss.” I mean, it’s an idea that just feels right to us. It’s something that when we envision it, we say “yes” to, and then hold hands and wonder if there’s a room where we can sneak off and make out. ‘Cause we’re so excited about it.
Confused? Me too. Allow me to explain.
Judging from the sheer volume of weight loss merchandise Sadie Nardini peddles as yoga, we feel that maybe this is an area where we can actually be of service, not only to Sadie herself, but also to the greater heart-yoginis out there. ‘Cause let’s be honest. Everyone knows The Babarazzi is just a bunch of superficial jerk-offs who secretly wish every woman had a rail-thin “yoga body” to gawk at. You all know we don’t care about someone’s “natural body mass.” We care about “looking younger,” “summer abs,” and “total belly transformation!”
But, not only that. We’re also saddened to hear that anyone is speaking out against Sadie Nardini’s push to take a time-honored spiritual discipline—yoga—and merge it with a $60 billion dollar weight-loss industry that bases its success on the back of gender inequalities, skewed male-centric projections of female body image, and a general sense of historical marginalization. Not only do we feel Sadie should promote yoga as a weight-loss fitness routine for herself (I mean, that’s what all the merchandise with the words “Sadie Nardini” and “weight loss” is all about, right?), but we support any moves Sadie makes to continue using her own self as a test subject.
That’s right, folks. We The Babarazzi are in full support of Sadie’s continued weight loss. Because, we’re pigs!
To help Sadie on her path, and in order to better aid those who wish to walk a path similarly trodden, we have come up with a few tips on where to focus one’s weight loss energies, and how to best achieve those ideal(ized) weight loss goals.
Below you will find three key “problem sites” any yogini might come across when trying to slim down and achieve that elusive you you so dearly deserve. You will also find asanas we believe can help you improve in the areas you need help most. Of course, this is not medical advice, and nothing we say should be taken as a substitute for medical assessments and diagnosis. This is for entertainment purposes only. Now, enjoy!
WEIGHT LOSS IS NOT A LOSS!
IT’S A GAIN!
1. ENOUGH’S ENOUGH’S ENOUGH
The human face. Is it friend or foe? Covered in a thin layer of skin, what lies beneath is both fat and facial expression. Masseters, buccinators, zygomaticii. Even the sneaky platysma gets in on the action from down below. So, what’s to do when all that adipose tissue (fancy term for “fat stuff I need to get rid of”) starts building up? I mean, a “summer body” includes the face, right? Check out these nethra vyayamams and pranayams in order to rock the sandy dunes a little harder:
- Nethra Vyayamam: Strengthens the eye muscles, increases circulation, promotes wakefulness. (CAUTION: May cause wrinkles!)
- Sitali breathing: Strengthens the tongue, cools the body, engages the muscles of facial expression
- Sitkari breathing: Cools the body, strengthens the gums, engages the muscles of facial expression
2. TOO LITTLE TOO MUCH
For millennia, people have been trying to figure out how to perfect the ultimate T&A 1-2 punch. Believe me. It’s not easy. You gotta work the pecs (maj. and min.). You gotta teach the glutes who’s boss. It’s a frickin’ full time job. But, now it doesn’t have to be. Here are a few yoga asanas to help get both the rack and the trunk in working order:
- Ustrasana: Promotes a lengthening of the pectorals (which will allow your breasts to grow into their natural God-given handful size)
- Laghu Vajrasana: Promotes a lengthening of the pectorals (which will allow your breasts to grow into their natural God-given handful size), and also means you’re entering Ashtanga Yoga awesomenss
- Kapotasana A: Promotes a lengthening of the pectorals (which will allow your breasts to grow into their natural God-given handful size), and also means you’re entering Ashtanga Yoga awesomenss two-fold
- Virabhadrasana 3: Strengthens core muscles, the quadriceps group, and tonifies the glutes
3. BASS STRINGS AND BEETLE WINGS
Finally, there’s the double B’s, so listen up, people. Bass strings belong on bass guitars and have no place hanging all over your SCMs, scalenes, and myohyloids. A similar thing can be said about beetle wings. They belong on beetles. They do not belong on the back of your arms dangling from your triceps like a sack of testicles. In order to rectify this “situation,” we offer these ancient yoga poses so that the universe can put things back in their proper place:
- Jalandhara bandha: Looks cool, keeps the prana from escaping into your dome, hides the front of your neck from public view
- Marichyasana C: Helps promote better bowel function, flexibility in the spine, as well as strengthens the intrinsic neck muscles
- Chaturanga: Makes beetle wings invisible
Get it? Good.
Take it from the pros. Marketing yoga as a means to lose weight has no draw backs, and in no way cheapens the tradition by aligning it with an industry that has for decades continued to make women feel amazing about themselves. It’s a win-win situation for everyone involved, so get out there and make something beautiful of yourself.
‘Cause that’s what yoga is all about?