Friendgate 2012 /// Advice For The Celebrity Yoga Instructor In Training

When cows touch electric fences they get shocked. Then they never touch them again. Seems simple, right?

The late great God-Man known as Barry Long said it best when he reminded us that humans just love to test that fence. We know it’s gonna sting, but we just keep on trying to find different angles to come at it, all in the hopes of beating the system. But, as Barry says, “We keep the current on all the time.”

Yoga teachers on the self-motivated path to super stardom should know this by now, but for some reason it’s not sticking: Being a celebrity is—more often than not—super lame, and in the end you’re most definitely gonna get burned. Being a celebrity (and by “celebrity” we don’t mean “much-loved” and “popular”) is like being an empire. THEY ALWAYS FALL. Nevertheless, if you’re still one of the wide-eyed types who just has to have 50+ peeps in a “flow class,” and for some reason you haven’t learned anything from Friendgate 2012, we figured we’d point out some red flags on your journey to an isolated and lonely existence.

Take notes:

1. Don’t try and become a yoga celebrity.
This should be a no-brainer, but some people just don’t get it. If you want to be a celebrity, you deserve to be treated like one. Period.

2. Be moderate in your self promotion.
Look. We get it. Sometimes enrollment is low and you need to generate a little buzz around the yoga blogosphere. That’s cool. Do a little promotion. But for goodness sake, take it easy. Nothing says wisdom like the guy who dishes it out sparingly. And remember, we know that a person’s bio is written by that person. So, you know, go easy. Just the facts please.

3. Don’t espouse standards you aren’t going to live up to.
Take a page from Bubba Free Adi Da Kalki Samraj John’s lesson book: if boning married women is your thing, then make it your thing. No big deal. Make a big show of it if you have to. But don’t try to rock the pious tip as well. Just be one of those “crazy wisdom” teachers who delivers the message by any means necessary.

4. If you’re gonna be a wiccan, BE A WICCAN.
There’s nothing wrong with being a follower of the four directions. Hey, we all like to get skyclad and play with daggers on mountaintops now and again. The only problem is when you make a big secret about it. There’s nothing more self-incriminating than a man caught in a secret coven. Covens are cool. Be proud!

5. Don’t come out with your own yoga mat.
The whole “market your own merch” scene is a dangerous slippery slope. Beware! You see, once you invent a yoga mat that’s a few inches bigger than the standard, you’re gonna have to sell it. In order to do that, you’re gonna have to market it, which means you’re gonna have to make a bunch of silly claims about its benefits, which will inevitably lead you down a path where you’re talking about how your mat is great because your poor little pinkies won’t be hanging off the sides anymore. This makes you sound like six-year-old daughters the world over. Not very becoming for someone dealing in the likes of tantra. I mean, if you can’t handle dangling pinkies, how the hell are you gonna deal with wrathful egoic daikinis hovering in the corners of your room?

For more info on the haps, and a response as to why and how to publicize such thing, please feel free to check out YogaDork.