What’s a “Cozy Orange?” /// Four of The Five Friends Magnificent Get Into It

We’re feeling pretty confident that It’s All Yoga, Baby has got the whole SF Yoga Journal Conference/Hyatt hotel boycott thing on lock-down, so we’re gonna step aside and let her handle that. Also, Aghori B spent a portion of yesterday following a Facebook discussion loosely based around our “Meditation Clothing /// No Big Deal” article, and had a brief, though cordial, back-and-forth with Elena Brower about a picture therein, so Aghori will be out of commission for at least twenty-four hours. Which gives us an opportunity to present the first of what will hopefully be many left-hand comments by (today, four of) The Five Friends Magnificent on matters seemingly yogic, but defs commercial.

Please enjoy this ad for “Cozy Orange.”

“Founded on yogic principles and symbolized by the powerful balancing posture, Vriksha Asana, or Tree Pose, the Cozy Orange brand spirit is rooted in optimism and compassion to help encourage wellness, happiness and alignment of the mind and body through the daily practice of yoga and exercise in comfortable bliss.”

First off, this is some low level shit you have us covering. I’m not even sure what to say. What the fuck is a “cozy orange?” And, who the hell is “Ericka” mentioned at the top, and how did she get the title of “Cozy Luminary?” There’s just so many mixed metaphors. It’s all over the place. I mean, oranges are sweet and juicy. Luminaries are usually socially inept. And women’s active wear is about security, right? Ladies? Breast security? Yes? This is a confusing ad. The randomness of it all doesn’t even make for good poetry.

I’m having a hard time figuring out if that gigantic orchid, which is, like, the biggest orchid I have ever seen, is photoshopped onto her head, or somehow Krazy Glued there. The stem on that thing has gotta be deadly. Is it, like, inserted into her ear? Is the orchid emanating out of her brain? What’s going on here? It’s distracting. And, not to be crass, but I keep trying to get a read on those breasts…. Where did they go? As someone with a rack worth a nod, I get it. Still looks a little snug for me.

I’m really not excited about this word “cozy.” When I think of “cozy” I think of a Slanket. Know what I mean? I think of nuzzling up with three maithuna brides in front of a warm homa. I’m thinking of hot chocolate. Baby making stuff. But this? Sitting out in the cold on top of some rocky-ass cliff along the ocean where you know the wind has gotta be all sorts of blustery? Nope. Not cozy. That shit is the opposite of cozy. That jumbo orchid wouldn’t last a second out there. No way no how.

I like it.

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No way. Really? Why?

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Because disliking it is too much work.

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The Five Friends Magnificent are a little known sect of miscreant mystics come out of their respective hovels in order to comment on matters yogic, cultural, and contemporary. They are often beckoned when the regular Babarazzi comrades are overly tired, being lazy, or have gone missing. Other reasons may apply.

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MS. RECLUSE SAYS: This bio is almost more about The Babarazzi than it is about us. WTF?