Summer is here, sucka MCs. And, you know what that means. No, it doesn’t mean it’s time to guess how often disgraced celebrity butter chef, Paula Deen, has used the word n***er in her life. It means festivals! Yoga festivals to be exact. We’re talking music, manicured lawns, juices, hoola hoops, raw food, filtered water, headset microphones, and, of course, merchandise. And, let’s not forget the clothes, ’cause oooooo, girl. Do I have a new line of festival clothing for you.
Now, I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking: “Oh sure. This is all fun and games for you, Babs. You guys are all hooked up with free promo yoga schwag, looking your best every day of the year. You guys are rich.” Wrong. We’re just like the rest of you sorry saps, wearing the same clothes our parents bought us five Christmases ago.
But, not this year. This year the Babs is gonna roll in style. And, by style we mean the “prAna Wanderlust Collection.” Now what is the “prAna Wanderlust Collection,” you ask? Well, we didn’t know either, until a reader brought it to our attention, and suggested we Google it. So we did, and got something that looked like this:
However, when we clicked on the link we got something that looked like this…
…with a web adress that read like this:
So, what happened here? Why is this line of clothing known to some as the “Wanderlust Collection,” and to others simply as the “Festival Collection?” Did a business deal fall through? Did someone piss off the wrong kid in marketing? Real reporters would look this shit up, but not us. No, sirree Charlie. That’s not how we roll. We’re lazy as hell! We just comment on what we see. And, what we wanna see is the merchandise.
Now, there are a number of pieces that I am simply against in this collection. For starters, this new take on an old favorite:
I don’t like this “new block.” It’s shaped like an Iroquois “longhouse,”…
…and somehow I’m sure that’s racist. Also, just why? Why the weird shape? Is there really any way to improve on this?
It’s a block. Probably one of the first shapes ever invented. And, like we always say, what was good for the alien race of Ancient Sumerians, is good enough for us.
Then there’s this abomination, which was probably envisioned and then abandoned by the same alien race that partied with the Sumerians….
These are unnecessary in so many ways. First, any festival worth its weight in hemp necklaces should have a lot of grass and dirt. These things ain’t gonna last day one out there in the muck. What if you want to find some boulder to make out behind? Think these shits are gonna hold up to all that handsy yoga grabbing? And, seriously. What’s with that whole “My knees are sweating” doily section? Reminds me of this.
I’m also not into this “Niko Rucksack” yoga bag that’s trying too hard to be “durable” and “edgy.”
I guess I’m supposed to be girl-jizzing myself because this is “organic cotton hemp,” and is supposed to appear “undyed.” But, again, what I see is yet another piece of useless baggage that’s gonna look like a dog wiped its ass on it by the time I get off one subway ride. Come on! Real rucksacks are tough a rugged. They’re not “off-white.” They’re durable enough to load up with military robots….
Unless you’re a filthy hipster, in which case you should fill them up with a whole lot of insignificance….
‘Tis a cool bag, though.
There is one piece that I can get down with, however.
The “Sophia Bra Top,” which, judging from the name, I’m guessing is supposed to invoke some sort of postmodern gnostic Biblical “wisdom.” Of course, it’s white, which, again, makes no sense to me for a line of clothing dubbing itself a “Festival Collection.” Maybe it’s a Kundalini Yoga festival thing they’re going for? Anyway, this piece does look like it’s gonna keep everything on the top shelf organized and in place, and that’s good for some people.
Just please don’t wear it with these pants….