Janet Stone Yoga iPhone App /// Looks Classy /// Also Looks Like It Was Shot in a Sex Party Loft

Thanks to one of our readers for sending this our way.

Advocate of the foam yoga block egg, Janet Stone has just released (May 5) a brand spankin’ new iPhone app called “Yoga with Janet Stone.” Janet hooked up with lolo(fit), a group that makes very very very slick looking workout apps, to make the widgetmajig, and early reports say the lil’ bugger is all sorts of HUGE.

So how does it work?

Well, according to the marketing, Janet will “guide you through a vigorous-yet-sumptuous approach to Vinyasa yoga.” She will also somehow magically “be with you every step of the way,” while guiding you through “over 100 flows” [their words, though emphasis mine].

But, straight up! This tchotchke is jam pizzacked with ka-razy features:

  • Over 3 and a half hours of beautiful video to guide your form.
  • Over 5 hours of audio instructions.
  • Nearly 2 and a half hours of yoga music provides the perfect atmosphere for your practice.
  • 13 five-minute meditations to help you find your center, relax and focus.
  • Over 100 yoga flows. [ed. there’s that word again!]
  • Practices designed for beginner, intermediate or advanced users.
  • 6 programs that change every day.
  • 4 programs that progress in difficulty each day.
  • Practice Builder: Create your perfect practice.
  • Track and share your results with your friends.

Bet your little bitch-ass in-the-flesh yoga instructor can’t do all that with a tap of the ol’ finger!

I also bet your swami-ji didn’t tell you about the hot new yoga asana [pic’d above] called “Enlightened Warrior,” which comes right on the heels of “Peaceful Warrior,” “Happy Warrior,” “Apathetic Warrior,” “Kinda Over It Warrior,” “It’s Not You It’s Me Warrior,” and the ever-popular “Do You Like it When I Touch You There Warrior.”

I also also bet your sorry ass guru doesn’t let you practice in the sexiest windows-from-floor-to-cathedral-ceiling loft apartment either.

You know the kind I’m talking about. The one that with just a touch of back-lit fabric and the right “cocktails” doubles as a super-expensive bi-curious poly-play sex party “space.”

Damn! Why don’t I just get one of these smarter-than-you phones already?

9 comments

  1. Bobcat

    It’s really 1 1/2 hrs video broken down in mini sections and repeated countless time. I dont’t even watch a good movie twice. Better to stick to local vinyasa teachers though less sexy but much more real.

  2. I knew a piggy-wiggy yoga instructor who has a sex-party loftish place. It seems to be the kind of pad a certain variety of instructors are attracted to. Naked tantric statues and lots of open spaces for private lessons, lots.

  3. Also from the Ancient Papyrus Texts: “I’ve Fallen and I Can’t Get Up Warrior” & “He’s Just Not That Into You Warrior” & on the Tween Papyrus Text the more accessible “LOL and TOTS Warrior”.

  4. Don’t forget YOLO Warrior

  5. MarieB

    I did buy it (don’t judge), and Bobcat is right – mini-sections of flow that you can download one at a time, and even create your own sessions by mixing them up. It was a little jarring for me, because I have practiced with Janet in person,, and she seemed pretty down to earth, but in these videos, she is rather heavily made-up and her hair is really curley (obviously styled), so it was like a caricature of her regular self. weird. But I also have the Tara Stiles app, and the Darren Rhodes app, and they are not really all that great either. Again, don’t judge. Ps. really love the site.

  6. Bobcat

    Yep. I bought it. Can’t give a review if I didn’t. Totally agree with MarieB. I’ve been to her class as well. I never see women put on such makeup in any yoga class. Why is it important? Because this is entertainment. When you search her app it is under yoga music and not yoga. I watched it once and thumbed through the different sequences and meditations. I most likely will never use the app again. I know technology is in all areas of our life. I benefit a lot from free audio recordings on dharmaseed.org and others spiritual sites. I seriously question the motivation of any yoga teacher who commercialize their service. Indeed, fame and fortune are fine with rock stars. They are meant to be on a cover of magazines, go on tours, have an agent, manager and assistants. If you genuinely want to spread the teaching of yoga and not your personal stardom the career path would look very different.

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