[AD WATCH] How To Immediately Piss Off Every Person In Your Yoga Class /// Yoga Inventions

Hmmm…. Freedom, eh?

I swear. One of these days I’m just gonna rock up to a yoga class with this waste of some Indonesian child laborer’s time just to piss off every single yogini around me. There I’ll be, rolling out my excuse-me-this-is-my-spot Mandala Yoga Mat, while the sensitive yoga douche behind me turns his usual I-wanna-have-tantric-sex-with-you gaze into the ever popular you-are-so-unconscious stare (both look the same, mind you), so I can be all like, “Wha?! Back off, baby-daddy. I’m just expressing myself.”

It’s like, all you chumps using your mainstream “linear” “phallocentric” “rectangular” mats, forever reinforcing the dominant patriarchal paradigm, have got nothing on me and my over-sized circle mat. Didn’t you know? Circles are about the Divine Feminine. Circles are about “the circle of life.” Circles are forgiving. Circles are what we all are. So what, if I’m taking up roughly three times the space I would be had I brought my 200-lb piece of black Manduka slate? At least I’m not a militant baby-killing ashtangi.

And yet, there’s also something disturbingly entitled about this mat. I can’t quite place my finger on it.

I don’t know, maybe it has to do with how circles are so incompatible with one another. They just don’t like to get too close. I mean, were you aware that the circle, despite having all those wonderful “cyclical” qualities, was also a real jerk when it comes to playing nicely with others. Think about it. Would you rather get on the subway with a bunch of circles that create a shit-ton of unusable space…

…or rectangles that use only what it necessary to fit their sweet lil’ right-angled bodies?

Rectangles. Obviously.

Not to mention, this just looks really lonely….

And, kind of a bummer. Like, if I was practicing the Primary Series and saw this sad little chap practicing next to me, looking more like she was lost at sea, I’d probably break down and start crying.

And, this?

That little dude is about to get her head kicked. I don’t care if she’s busting out a sick side stretch or not. Sucka better look out below, know whamean?

No? Here’s a video to give you an idea on how to actually use this giant thing. Minute 2:09 is particularly telling:

15 comments

  1. Greenpoint

    you know, I never thought of rectangular yoga mats as being “phallocentric”, but I think you’re right, and totally appropriate!

    I mean as a dude in a yoga class you’re usually outnumbered 10:1 (alas the horrors!) by the feminine stuff so you need some “power” to protect you…

  2. Greenpoint

    and there is NO WAY anyone is going to make it to the 2:09 minute of that video…

  3. I lasted to 2:09 because of the beautiful cello music. The visuals were difficult to digest so I closed my eyes – much better…

  4. Yoga Dude

    My goodness Babarazzi, cut them a little slack. How else is one expected to achieve Pi?

    Keep up the good work.

  5. 108

    this kills me. i did like the music, and fully skipped ahead to 2:09, just to laugh out loud at you having pointed that moment out as particularly interesting. the toe roll! nice music. what yoga studio would even ALLOW a round mat? its HUGE!

  6. Mark

    This will quickly be swept under the mat by all instructors who are concerned about fitting as many “yogis” in their loft or studio. Circles do not “use space efficiently”. Come on …you know that just because of all of the offerings you place on your buddhist shrines do not fit with round plates but fit nicely with square plates and rectangles!

  7. JJ Love

    please: get a mat, get a hidden camera, hire an agent…(like a secret agent- not a talent agent), start going to “rock star” yoga people’s classes and trying to put the mat down and secret camera the reactions.

    • chai fan

      JJ love, that is one of the funniest thing I’ve ever read. Yes, PLEASE show up to big crowded yogalebrity class with the giant round mat! And film somehow, awe man….

    • The P

      Yes! Reading the article I had visions of showing up to EB’s overpacked 11am Sat morn class at famous NYC Soho studio with this mat. That would be hilarious. Maybe a stunt for Improv Everywhere?

  8. This made my husband and me laugh so hard that it woke our 3 yr old up out of a dead sleep at 11 pm, wherein he raised his little head and said “What makes so silly, Mom and Dad?”

    Yes, dear ones (yoga voice!), “what makes so silly?”

    PS. No round mats allowed in my studio. We can only fit 25 rectangles with exactly the same amount of meters (that’s what they use here. for an american, it’s confusing) for everyone. EXACT FOR EVERYONE, I dictate.

Commentary....

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: