NIYAMA YAMA #3: An Animal’s Place in the Kingdom of Yoga

The Holy Bible is pretty clear when it comes to how humans and animals should relate.

“And, lo. When Zebediah had completed the making of a movie wherein starred a dog that speaketh, a turtle that smoketh, and one chimpanzee that mimicked the ways of the uncloven biped, he was smoted in such a way as to be a warning for all humanity.” (Zeb 24:6)

LESSON: Tread lightly, ye who have dominion over beasts great and small.



Horses are majestic beasts, with fancy names like Adios Butler, Whistlejacket, Mr. Prospector, Smarty Jones, and Lady Suffolk. So, check it. Just ’cause the one above ain’t sending you to the hospital with a back-kick to the breadbasket, doesn’t mean she’s on board with this tom foolery. Plus, there’s no way that down dog is doing a damn thing except make all of our nipples itch that you’re gonna slip off that horse’s silky back and end up like everyone else who’s fallen off a horse. No bueno.



People need to realize that dogs are in every way cooler than humans. City dogs know this better than anyone. That’s why they’ve trained you to literally pick up, gift wrap, and tote their shit whenever they drop a deuce. They don’t give a rat’s fuck if some hot chick is walking by. You’re gonna pick up that shit like it’s a crisp twenty, and you’re gonna like it. Now stop wiggling, and let this bitch peep that crazy ass squirrel chow an acorn in that tree o’er yonder.


Be sure to check out our weekly yoga culture DOs and DON’Ts every Wednesday!!!


With a humble nod to VICE.


  1. Garuda

    !!!FIRST!!!!!…to make a joke about Karma running over Dogma….Garuda is hilarious..

    • (sigh)

      ‘Firstie’ jokes may be lost on this crowd Garuda. Though I feel ya. If you’d like, I’d be happy to make a ‘I hope you get canceraids’ comment.

  2. This makes me laugh out loud. Thank you. Though, I have always thought of Yama as Don’t and Niyama as Do. Matthew Remski’s book, Yoga 2.0 inquires about the motivation of yoga teachers when putting out perfect photos/video of themselves “doing yoga” in an exotic or plush environment. The message helps me to inquire into my own motivation whenever I promote my classes, workshops and retreats.

  3. novecho

    is that a camel, I mean puppy toe?


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