Guess what a bunch of people are talking about these days? That is, in addition to the recently leaked news that NYC’s new mayor, Bill de Blasio, (who once supported the Sandinistas, and whose wife apparently *used* to be a lesbian) eats pizza with a knife and fork(!).
Unlike NYC squirrels….
Peeps are talking about good ol’ John Friend, and the latest nice-nice Westword piece profiling his rise, fall, and subsequent reemerging as the One True Great Phoenix he really is.
Or, did they profile the One True Great Phoenix that is John Friend?
We here at The Babarazzi have apparently been in the minority in the yoga blogosphere. We’ve been sidelined, swept under the rug, and bamboozled. Why, you ask? Oh, maybe it’s because we’re the only ones who believe without a doubt that the John Friend everyone loves to hate so they can feel better about themselves, is actually an impostor!!!
That’s right, kiddies. The man you call “Friend” is no “friend” of ours, but rather some form of otherworldly “familiar” that has body-snatched the man most Anusara ladies we know used to want to bang. Or, at least really sound like it.
We first started doubting the reality of John Friend when images of the new “him” post-scandal started popping up online. To us it was obvious….
While it’s true that body snatchers have become quite good at replicating their hosts, the fact is, there is no such thing as a perfect copy, and the above “John Friend” bares almost no resemblance to the original One True John Friend. Yes, there’s the crooked nose, the lateral downward turn of the eyes, and John’s ever-noticeable vertical eyebrow cleft, which, according to the face-reading arts, connotes selfishness, egotism, and ambition.
The new “John Friend,” however, lacks the confidence of the old. His face reads more like a man who’s had his balls cut off then sewn back on again. Yes, they still work. And, yes he might still crack the odd sexual joke. But, when he laughs at his own hilarity, there will be a subtle tinge of nervousness in his timbre.
At first we were unsure exactly what, or rather, who, had taken over John Friend’s body. There was even a time when we thought the wandering ghost of the late Steve Jobs might have taken up residency in Mr. Friend….
But, that just didn’t seem right, as Friend has always come across to us as someone who simply tacks spirituality onto commerce, whereas Jobs seemed to actually manifest an entire new religious mysticism out of hand-held 1s and 0s.
And, then it clicked! As any good yogini knows, the answer is always in the asana. So, that is where we looked. And, that is where we found proof that the new “John Friend” is not only NOT John Friend, but may actually not even be human.
You see, John Friend used to practice something that looked like yoga. Sometimes in a studio….
Other times alongside a ghat….
Sometimes John would stumble upon a few super hot tanning mermaids, and bust out some spontaneous bakasana….
But, then it happened. Nation States started over-bloating and the capitalist well began to run dry leading to the inevitable collapse we all knew was coming….
Those of us who made it through the crash remember when the first ones arrived, and yet few people made the obvious connection….
Except for us. We knew something was up. We just didn’t know it involved giant spiders shrinking themselves and taking over fallen yoga instructors. I tell ya, sometimes it really is the things right under your nose that are the hardest to see.
So, what does this all mean for the future? Well, first, you can go ahead and take whatever John Friend workshop comes to your town, stretching to the knowledge that the man before you is no man at all. You can also stop crying about how there is nothing sacred in the world, because John Friend acted exactly how everyone with their head NOT up their yoni knew he would, while you edit your yearly “We Will Never Forget” anti-John Friend blog post. It’s cool. The man you once loved is no more. In his place is a body snatching spider alien. Hopefully, now you’ll be able to make a few sensible decisions before you throw all your ovaries into one basket.
Everyone knows a spider alien will tell you exactly who they are on the first date within the first five minutes.
BONUS!!!! Here’s an old video we made way back when that sums up the John Friend scandal in under three minutes: