It’s OK to Take a John Friend Workshop Again /// Here’s Why

Guess what a bunch of people are talking about these days? That is, in addition to the recently leaked news that NYC’s new mayor, Bill de Blasio, (who once supported the Sandinistas, and whose wife apparently *used* to be a lesbian) eats pizza with a knife and fork(!).

(Courtesy Jonathan Lemire) via Gothamist.com

(Courtesy Jonathan Lemire) via Gothamist.com

Unlike NYC squirrels….

Screen Shot 2014-01-12 at 4.24.48 PM

Peeps are talking about good ol’ John Friend, and the latest nice-nice Westword piece profiling his rise, fall, and subsequent reemerging as the One True Great Phoenix he really is.

Or, did they profile the One True Great Phoenix that is John Friend?

We here at The Babarazzi have apparently been in the minority in the yoga blogosphere. We’ve been sidelined, swept under the rug, and bamboozled. Why, you ask? Oh, maybe it’s because we’re the only ones who believe without a doubt that the John Friend everyone loves to hate so they can feel better about themselves, is actually an impostor!!!

That’s right, kiddies. The man you call “Friend” is no “friend” of ours, but rather some form of otherworldly “familiar” that has body-snatched the man most Anusara ladies we know used to want to bang. Or, at least really sound like it.

We first started doubting the reality of John Friend when images of the new “him” post-scandal started popping up online. To us it was obvious….

JF_familiar_text

While it’s true that body snatchers have become quite good at replicating their hosts, the fact is, there is no such thing as a perfect copy, and the above “John Friend” bares almost no resemblance to the original One True John Friend. Yes, there’s the crooked nose, the lateral downward turn of the eyes, and John’s ever-noticeable vertical eyebrow cleft, which, according to the face-reading arts, connotes selfishness, egotism, and ambition.

The new “John Friend,” however, lacks the confidence of the old. His face reads more like a man who’s had his balls cut off then sewn back on again. Yes, they still work. And, yes he might still crack the odd sexual joke. But, when he laughs at his own hilarity, there will be a subtle tinge of nervousness in his timbre.

At first we were unsure exactly what, or rather, who, had taken over John Friend’s body. There was even a time when we thought the wandering ghost of the late Steve Jobs might have taken up residency in Mr. Friend….

JF_SJobs2_text

But, that just didn’t seem right, as Friend has always come across to us as someone who simply tacks spirituality onto commerce, whereas Jobs seemed to actually manifest an entire new religious mysticism out of hand-held 1s and 0s.

_Beautiful_new_Iphone_5S_046024_

Gorgeous spiritual materialism

And, then it clicked! As any good yogini knows, the answer is always in the asana. So, that is where we looked. And, that is where we found proof that the new “John Friend” is not only NOT John Friend, but may actually not even be human.

You see, John Friend used to practice something that looked like yoga. Sometimes in a studio….

1_JFweb

Other times alongside a ghat….

2_JFweb

Sometimes John would stumble upon a few super hot tanning mermaids, and bust out some spontaneous bakasana….

3_JFweb

But, then it happened. Nation States started over-bloating and the capitalist well began to run dry leading to the inevitable collapse we all knew was coming….

4_JFweb

Those of us who made it through the crash remember when the first ones arrived, and yet few people made the obvious connection….

5_JFweb

Except for us. We knew something was up. We just didn’t know it involved giant spiders shrinking themselves and taking over fallen yoga instructors. I tell ya, sometimes it really is the things right under your nose that are the hardest to see.

So, what does this all mean for the future? Well, first, you can go ahead and take whatever John Friend workshop comes to your town, stretching to the knowledge that the man before you is no man at all. You can also stop crying about how there is nothing sacred in the world, because John Friend acted exactly how everyone with their head NOT up their yoni knew he would, while you edit your yearly “We Will Never Forget” anti-John Friend blog post. It’s cool. The man you once loved is no more. In his place is a body snatching spider alien. Hopefully, now you’ll be able to make a few sensible decisions before you throw all your ovaries into one basket.

Everyone knows a spider alien will tell you exactly who they are on the first date within the first five minutes.

____________________

BONUS!!!! Here’s an old video we made way back when that sums up the John Friend scandal in under three minutes:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1e-z2JtaNWU

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13 comments

  1. Zodiyack

    Here’s another lookalike who whines about victimization and rambles about conspiracies. I prefer the Jerry Sandusky host theory, rather than the Ziggy Stardust and the Spiders from Mars theory.
    http://celebzter.com/listen-convicted-child-abuser-jerry-sandusky-whines-that-he-is-the-victim-and-says-he-is-part-of-a-conspiracy/

  2. amphibi1yogini

    I have too many neck issues to be doing Spiderasana (pictured, final photo) regularly… and, if you’ll recall .. this isn’t from headstand … had to give that up over a year ago .. he’d have had more credibility if he did not decide to popularize the Springer sisters’ creations and came up with something totally new .

    But then, there is that old business and marketing adage … “Just change something by 10% …and you’ve got a gold mine!”

  3. Maha Garuda

    Forgiveness is not Forget-ness

  4. Chai Fan

    I was really hoping I would never have to see the pic of the creeping crouching bear of your nightmares pose ever again… YIKES!! I do love the squirrel eating the pizza photo…

  5. That post of mine you linked to was written a year ago. It sucked, and now I’m over it. I’m not interested in following the misadventures of John Friend. Good luck to the people who encounter him. Hope they fare better than the Anusara teachers did. Thanks for the laughs though, Barbarazzi.

  6. Think Again

    Hmm. Interesting that Steve Jobs (in your photograph) lacks the vertical crease you associate with egotism and ambition, not to mention selfishness.

    Otherwise, yours is a fair attempt at swinging for the fences with satire to distinguish yourself from the herd. But in the very excessiveness of your ‘he’s not a human being’ — “the new “John Friend” is not only NOT John Friend, but may actually not even be human”; “the man before you is no man at all” — you miss your own point.

    He is exactly who he always was — even more so — but this time without the king’s ‘clothes’ and without the fawning adulation that burnished the illusion he managed to spin the first time around. If you knew it all along (“John Friend acted exactly how everyone with their head NOT up their yoni knew he would”), then that should be your point. He is quite ‘human,’ in the ridiculously self-defeating sense.

    He is not a ‘spider alien’ but rather exactly himself, unaltered and even amplified by the experience of his own downfall. He has not learned anything, and there is the tragedy. I guess there are no funny graphics for that, except perhaps a fly in amber. Which is not funny.

    For critics of his renewed self-promotion to reemphasize that point — when new puff pieces emerge that only confirm it — is not necessarily a form of smug self-congratulation, a bashing of JF for the sole purpose of feeling better about oneself. Perhaps it was before the internet, but there was once a connection between the words ‘constructive’ and ‘criticism’ — a kind that, against all odds, took a swing at intervention, especially in the case of such a deeply damaged and flailing individual.

    Your piece may be funny satire and a different take, but it obscures the point rather than highlighting it — thus missing the point of satire itself. That and the fact that you make the rather questionable move of expressly dehumanizing the person at the same time. Sorry, not cool, even for yucks. It certainly won’t make anything any better.

    Think about it and try again.

  7. Did you see ‘The Good Wife’ the other night? Poor Alicia and Will, struggling with their lust, their urges, their rage — the episode –all ’bout a lawsuit over –satire. HaHa.

  8. itstrue

    This was an insanley psychedelic post! hahah

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