Judge Rules Schools Can Teach Yoga /// School Administrators Stoked To Make Yoga as Popular as Fencing

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This past Monday United States prisons schools scored a major win. Finding themselves running out of subjects with which to bore, punish, demean, and ultimately dim the spirits of otherwise curious children, schools will now have at their disposal a structured form of stretching-with-breath, known to a minority as “Yoga,” to achieve their goals.

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Unsatisfied with the ways in which children have recently been making subjects such as statistics (meme trending), science (enthenogenic studies), history (Howard Zinn), and the arts (grafitti) fun again, schools have been clamoring for a way to once again make learning seem like a punishment. Prison-like conditions, while having an initial negative effect on a children’s natural inclination to want to learn, have, with the popularity of AMC’s The Walking Dead, been reimagined by students as post-apocalyptic landscapes within which they have been eagerly expanding their imaginations.

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Much to school administrator’s chagrin, children have taken what little they can from their lackluster formal studies and have been applying it to more immediate interests outside the prison walls. State-sanctioned homophobia is being challenged by a booming excitement over “queer theory.” Economic inequality is being challenged by Occupy Wallstreet and #hashtag resistance. Institutionalized art exhibits in un-fun meant-for-old-people museums are being replaced with illegal abandoned subway performances. Organized religion is being challenged by post-postmodern polyamorous ayahuasca warehouse covens (no link for you!). All of it initiated by young people of the pre- post-prison school system.

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Having no recourse with which to keep students in attendance, schools have finally resorted to “Yoga” as a way in which to entice students, as well as donors, to continue propping up out-dated school systems as the dominant model for learning. Funded by the K.P. Jois Foundation (AKA Jois Yoga??? shhhhhh), which in recent years has come across as nothing less than an attempted corporate takeover of the less-yoga-clothes-centric practice of Ashtanga Yoga, the possibility of getting “Yoga” taught in US schools has spawned more cuddle puddles than a third-term Obama campaign, complete with high-fives and placards reading “Yes we can!”

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And, US schools that can’t seem to get a textbook that has a proper reading on slavery or the genocide of Native Americans are getting in on the fun, not realizing that when that first kid experiences her Kundalini shoot through her brain, the school nurse might need more than a Jolly Rancher to put it back in place.

Always good to suss out the prize before you claim the win.

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As an addendum, here’s an article on the center-less revolts popping up around the globe (Turkey, Brasil, et al). Will mainstream schools be next to adopt anarchist-influenced horizontal systems of organization?

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11 comments

  1. Bryan

    Formal adoption by public agencies: the last step in the Spectacle’s absorption and rebranding routine?

  2. Garuda

    My Wife is the President of the PTA here. She assured me that there are some pretty major differences between prison and grade school.
    1) Fund Raisers
    2) Pot Luck Dinners.
    I will accept your apology now

    • I loved going to public school. Rarely missed a day. It’s where all my friends hung out.

      • I’m wondering if there are any formal studies as to why kids who went to public elementary and high school came out relatively OK while the kids who went to private schools usually came out as basket cases (at least the ones I knew…)

        • alady

          Is a conspiracy theory the same as a formal study? If so, I forward the following: it was the mood stabilizers in the food service ketchup, which accompanied the tater tots. Everybody ate the tater tots. I doubt they served pharma-improved, food-service-grade condiments in private schools. I’d bet my tax dollars on it!

    • I worked in forensics and the guys got $400 a year for a “potluck” party for their unit/block of 50 men.

      • yogadas

        “I worked in forensics.” Nice euphemism.
        The other smartass response would have been, “That’s what they all say.”
        Glad you’re out. Kidding. I don’t know why I’m being like this. I should be sent to the principal’s office.

  3. by “fencing” you could mean a course in unloading stolen merchandise, or being a successful “fence”.

  4. Nicely written.

    This post really made me laugh (though I’m not sure it should have). I think it was the meals info-graphic. Either way, I’m definitely feeling a little worried about my daughter going to school 2 years from now. Not sure if this was your goal :D

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